Doris’ Heart
Sometimes people put missionaries on a pedestal, as if we are all spiritual giants. I’ve even looked up to other missionaries and pastors this way. That my friends is not my story. My story is just someone with a messy past trying to live for Jesus and walk in obedience, while working out my salvation with fear and trembling!
It seems that since my college years I’ve had moments where my heart races for seemingly no reason and I developed a murmur. However having been an athlete my whole life I was very healthy and my heart was strong. Life and years passed, and I found myself in a remote place on the island of Sulawesi. The first year there was the deepest spiritual valley I’ve ever walked through, and to be honest there were times I didn’t keep walking or trudging through. No, I did a full stop and wallered in the muddy trenches of it. Life was hard and I wasn’t happy about it. I found myself refusing to “Rejoice always” or “In everything, give thanks”. This affected me mentally, as I dove deep into depression and anger. It also affected me physically, and the “episodes” where my heart would race, I’d feel like passing out, and then be deluged with a wave of exhaustion all while reading a book or making dinner, began to happen more frequently.
I would try to exercise because this helped my mental state, but running got more and more difficult. This only made matters worse because I love to run. It was my escape, I poured all my frustrations into pushing myself harder and faster. My whole life I always felt great after running. Then all of a sudden I didn’t. I knew something was very wrong.
Jesus in his kind merciful shepherding way was right there with me through it all, He would catch my attention with His touches of kindness as only Jesus can. The Holy Spirit taught me so much as I began to embrace Jesus as my “All in all” and humbly realize that, “Jesus is enough”. It was the worst best season of my life.
When we returned to the US for our 2015-16 itineration a Dr. decided to follow up on my heart murmur and a couple of problems came to light. Over the next 5yrs I regularly saw a cardiologist, and a valve specialist to monitor the issue, and it became stable. I adjusted to my new normal, stopped running and went for long walks. However the “episodes” did not improve. I thought, maybe I’m just crazy, and this is no big deal, but it didn’t feel that way when it would happen. Little did we know that it was a completely separate issue.
Finally in June 2021 they caught the irregularity on some new fangled high tech monitor I wore for two weeks. I was referred to an electrophysiologist and diagnosed with SVT. In Dec. I had surgery to find where the nerves were miss-firing and what erroneous paths had been created around my heart muscle that were causing the episodes. Before I was even awake after surgery, the Dr. spoke with Tim and shared with him how amazed he was that this had been going on for so long and was happening so frequently, and yet I had not had more problems staying conscious through the episodes when they happened. He was also amazed that I had not had any related issues such as a stroke, heart attack, etc…
The Dr. told Tim that each time the SVT presented itself, the electric impulse would get stuck in a loop on one side of the heart muscle and my blood pressure would drop to nearly zero. This was happening every time I had an episode; heart rate up to 180’s and almost no blood pressure for as long as it lasted. This could be up to 5-10 min. sometimes. The worst episode was overnight for 10hrs. In short, I know that God has sustained me for years, and been doing miracle after miracle not only in my “spiritual heart,” but in my physical one as well.
I am humbled at God’s hand on my life in my ignorance, I marvel at His timing in bringing all things to light and using a surgeon to burn the erroneous electrical impulses that had developed. Since Jan 2022, I have not had a single episode! My energy and strength is increasing, and I can’t stop praising God. Once again I surrender all in obedience to the call, and desire to use all my life, all my heart, all my strength to love my Creator and love those He created. May the Holy Spirit continue to burn away any erroneous spiritual electrical impulses in our hearts (especially mine!) that might zero out our blood pressure towards Jesus, and zap our energy to love and serve! I pray this testimony encourages, and challenges you!
Thank you to everyone that has prayed and interceded for me over the years. Your prayers matter, and God faithfully answered each and every prayer! I am a miracle!